Hmmm

What if our main purpose in life was ..the pursuit of happiness?

That's what we’re all after, isn’t it?

S of c, part 3 - pursuit of happiness

The Pursuit of Happiness.

Should we have to pursue it? Or is it something that comes naturally? Maybe it’s something we have to chase after in order to appreciate what happiness is, to understand what happiness is. In my experience happiness is something I have had to strive for. I have to allow myself to be happy. I have to set aside worry, anger, hate.. and focus on what makes life good. What does make life good? Experiencing the beauty of the earth and the wonders of nature. Close friends that truly love me and I truly love them. Family. Music that hits me straight in the heart. Music that makes me dance, sing, laugh. A perfect soundtrack. A smile from a stranger. Kind words. Peace and forgiveness. Not only does forgiveness make the person feel better, but it makes me feel more love inside; it makes me feel as though I’ve gone one step above to make a situation easier. What else makes life good? Trials. Without trials we would not understand what happiness is. I’ve had to experience the lame parts of life to really appreciate that I am, for the most part, a pretty happy person. Unfortunately, I’ve needed a chemical boost to help “happy” be a regular state of being. Thank you Zoloft. I was skeptical at first, but when my doctor said treating depression is like treating a sinus infection, I joined the millions of antidepressant users. It is just a chemical imbalance that needs a little boost. Man am I glad for that! I am now able to enjoy my surroundings, to enjoy the people around me and the people I love, to enjoy day to day activities like brushing my teeth or walking to class, to allow me to let my guard down and have some fun, to not worry too much or hate or cry, to be confident in myself as a person and as a woman, to be able to look at myself in the mirror every day and truly feel that I am alive.

Depression has been a struggle for me since my teen years. But not everyone has depression. Before medication, I had no idea what it was like to not have to try to be content with life. I wonder sometimes if it’s really that easy for some people—can they just wake up most days feeling great without having to pop some pills? If this person exists, I’d like to be them one day. It’d be a lot of work, but it’d be worth it to not have a dependency on a little blue pill. Maybe I’ll never be able to leave the world of medication. If it comes down to it, then that is okay. It’s okay. Because life is only so long. I heard a question asked once: if you were to sell a minute of your life, how much would it be worth? An hour of your life? A day? A beautiful moment can last a minute. An incredible album could be listened to in an hour. A life changing experience could occur in a minute, an hour or a day. How much is this time worth to you? I’d like to think my time is worth a lot. But when it comes down to it.. I waste a lot of minutes. Those minutes add up to hours and days. When I think about how long it took me to get help and come out of my depression, I wish I could have been fixed much sooner. There are so many things I missed out on in high school because I was such a social recluse. Those times made me who I am today though. I can appreciate such simple things now. Random eye contact with a stranger or an acquaintance is no longer an event that spins my brain into chaos (I hope they notice how sad I look, Stupid people, I hate everyone and everything!, They don’t know how I feel and they never will, I wish they didn’t see me, I wish I could disappear). Now, random eye contact with a stranger or an acquaintance is a beautiful opportunity to smile and hopefully make that person smile too. It’s a happy moment I can give to someone that might make them feel good for a fleeting moment, a few minutes, or even the rest of their day. Maybe that person will keep smiling after we pass each other and they pass it on. I’d like to think that happens. It’s kind of like a mini-version of the movie “Pay It Forward”. (I don't know who reads this or if anyone ever will besides myself, but ! if there is someone out there in cyber-space that comes across my blog, please add Pay It Forward to your list of movies to see if you have not already!) In any case, Pay If Forward. It’s such a beautiful concept. It’s things like that that give me hope for people in the world.

I’d really like to think that everyone has a good heart down there somewhere. Whenever I express this opinion, I usually find myself being disappointed by my friends or acquaintances when they try to tell me that this can’t be true. “Katy, what about Hitler? What about all the people who rape and murder innocent people? There are people who find pleasure in torturing others. There are people who do sick things. We war against people or nations—we shoot people to solve problems.” There is no way all people are inherently good. But why not have the optimism? If you expect nothing but beauty and kind things from a person, yes, you might be disappointed. But why not hope for the best? The view I’ve received from my sister: You can’t assume that everyone has good intentions. People lie, manipulate. They cheat and steal. People use their charm to get what they want. They bribe. They use other people for their own benefit, pleasure, or image. If you aren’t careful, they walk all over you! Yes, I have experienced many of these things. Unfortunately. But that’s life. Right? Or should we hope that one day the ripple affect makes it around the world and all who live on the earth are happy? Impossible? How about half the world? Is that too much? I wonder how many people in this world can truly and honestly say that they are happy. People have flaws—nobody is perfect. We all have bad days, even when we’ve got a little blue pill that balances our chemicals. But how sad is it, that I can’t seem to believe half the world is happy. Maybe there are, but man, I really don’t know. How beautiful would this world be if all walks of life had passion and hope for their neighbors? Had daily doses of love and joy? Abundant smiles and laughter! Endless kind words and encouragement! Appreciation! LIFE! What if?!!! What if? What …if.

Maybe it’s just that I wish--I wish with all that I have!, I wish with every ounce of hope I can muster!, that all people were inherently good.

Does it make me vulnerable that I, more often than not, find myself assuming everyone is good? Yes.

S of c, part two

Spring Break is almost over. Tonight is my last night in town and I'll meet my ride in North Bend at 1:15 tomorrow afternoon. Man I love it here; I am a proud resident of the Pacific Northwest. What a place to be! The trees, the wet air, the mountains and lakes! When I'm in Pullman I miss these things. Though I will admit, there are some great things about Pullman you cannot experience here. The stars out on the eastside of the mountains... are breathtaking. The sky is so much deeper. The sunsets are almost always incredible, the sunrises--so I've heard--are well worth the all nighter. When it comes to seasons in Pullman, there are only two: Summer and Winter. Summer lasts from the end of May to September and Winter takes up all the other months. If you were to argue that Autumn existed, I might give you a two-day span in which one day there are leaves on the trees and then they're gone the next, (blown away by a gnarly wind that is bringing in a snow storm that evening.) But that's really all. And as for Spring? It's pretty much still Winter.

In any case, since it is said weather is a last resort or "comfortable" conversation I guess I'll branch out a little more.

This week being home has brought some things to my attention. I've noticed that I don't hesitate to tell people how I feel much anymore. Whatever is on my mind just pops right out. Fortunately I also have the balls to apologize later and acknowledge that I was out of line... but I really should hold my tongue. Sometimes it can hurt people and an apology really doesn't help the matter. I attacked my dad for making a comment about Robin Lopez being gay, (apparently he runs very effeminately). For some reason, even though I am not gay myself, I am very offended when people use the word in a negative way. It's just not respectful. Gay is not a synonym for stupid. And the word retarded shouldn't be used in that way either; I need to work on that one myself. Anyways, I've said some things to people that I really shouldn't have. What happened? I used to allllllways keep things to myself. I never stood up for myself--I just took it in and stored it inside til it made my explode. Now I am either a little too confident, or there is something wrong and I am attacking other people to get out my frustration. The funny thing is though, I don't feel stressed. I am happy! I feel great! Life is beautiful!

New thoughts popping into my head and I must go with them.

My list of things to do before I die needs to become a physical list and not just a funny one that changes every day in my head. It starts here, with the places I want to see:

1. Go to the depths of a rainforest and experience the wonder and life that exists there.
2. Visit Iceland and ...revel in the view.
3. Germany.
4. China.
5. Tokyo perhaps? I'd like to see really how crowded it is in the city, experience the closeness...
6. Montreal, Quebec--apparently they have sweet dance clubs.
7. Philadelphia.
8. Samoa? Hmmmm
9. Travel the length of the Mississippi River to the ocean.
10. India.
11. Egypt.. see the pyramids!
12. Hike to the Mayan ruins and Incan ruins
13. Experience Mexico

and now just some other random things:
14. Learn to dance the Tango, the Salsa
15. Shave my head?
16. Fly to another state, or country, just to see a band play
17. Meet Incubus.
18. Write a song
19. Perform something
20. Play the tambourine in a band
21. ....

Okay now I'm just being silly. Perhaps I should just go catch some Zzz's. Until next time!

S of C, part one of many to come

S of C = Stream of Consciousness

Wow, I'm such a stinker! I just REMEMBERED I have a blog. And it's...March. In any case, I'll pretend all that time that passed was absolutely nothing.

Today has been a wonderful day. I'm so happy at home. Being away at school and then coming back here reminds me how awesome my family is and how much they mean to me. I came home and missed our last home basketball game, against our biggest rival ..so that I could have more time to hang out with my family--that says a lot right there!

I really don't know what to write here. I'm not really a poet or a person that has the greatest way with words. I guess I'll just start with some rambling.

As far as my New Years resolutions go, I am holding to the yoga one. I've been told I look more "sculpted".. I feel great--that's for sure! My other resolution about going to bed, not so much. It's been too hard to go to bed early, but I am doing alright. Usually it's about 12 or 12:30.

I am currently trying to decide which day(s) to go to the Sasquatch festival. I am definitely going Sunday, but none of my friends are going that day so I want to pick a day they'll be there too. It'll probably be Saturday. Then I can find a ride there Saturday, camp out with my friends, go on Sunday, and then ride home with my sister who is coming JUST for Sunday.

I've made some really fun friends this year--they are real different from the types of people I've always hung out with. It's refreshing to have some new people in my life. It opens me up to new things.. I am trying to be open minded and not judge people for what they do or what they believe in, their family background, or even their opinions. I'll be honest, it's real hard sometimes. I am trying. Sometimes I need to think about what I am saying before it comes out.. when I am nervous and I am alone with someone I just ramble and ramble. Sometimes I say things I don't mean. But nobody is perfect. I am definitely not the exception.

My view has changed completely! I feel like such a beautiful person now because of college. I don't say that in a conceided way. I just feel beautiful. I have so much love and I want love for everyone. I believe that deep down somewhere everyone has a kind heart. How can you not? Just look around and appreciate the beauty of the world. Yeah, there is some pretty messed up stuff that goes on out there, I know. I may not have experienced it firsthand, but I am not naive. I am being educated more and more everyday! But you've go to find the beauty in the world. You've got to open your eyes and look around. You have to appreciate the good things. The sun, the stars, a warm summer night, beautiful green trees (thank goodness I live on the west side of the state), music! Mother of all that is Good! MUSIC! Emotions! That fluttery feeling you get in your stomache when someone special walks around the corner and your eyes meet. The warmth of a hug from a friend or from family. Revolutions! I believe we are living in a really cool time in history. So much is happening around us. People are thinking for themselves and wanting to change the world! Wanting to bring some love back into this place! Man. It's incredible.

I'm outta here. I didn't bring my laptop home from school for a reason.