S of c, part 3 - pursuit of happiness

The Pursuit of Happiness.

Should we have to pursue it? Or is it something that comes naturally? Maybe it’s something we have to chase after in order to appreciate what happiness is, to understand what happiness is. In my experience happiness is something I have had to strive for. I have to allow myself to be happy. I have to set aside worry, anger, hate.. and focus on what makes life good. What does make life good? Experiencing the beauty of the earth and the wonders of nature. Close friends that truly love me and I truly love them. Family. Music that hits me straight in the heart. Music that makes me dance, sing, laugh. A perfect soundtrack. A smile from a stranger. Kind words. Peace and forgiveness. Not only does forgiveness make the person feel better, but it makes me feel more love inside; it makes me feel as though I’ve gone one step above to make a situation easier. What else makes life good? Trials. Without trials we would not understand what happiness is. I’ve had to experience the lame parts of life to really appreciate that I am, for the most part, a pretty happy person. Unfortunately, I’ve needed a chemical boost to help “happy” be a regular state of being. Thank you Zoloft. I was skeptical at first, but when my doctor said treating depression is like treating a sinus infection, I joined the millions of antidepressant users. It is just a chemical imbalance that needs a little boost. Man am I glad for that! I am now able to enjoy my surroundings, to enjoy the people around me and the people I love, to enjoy day to day activities like brushing my teeth or walking to class, to allow me to let my guard down and have some fun, to not worry too much or hate or cry, to be confident in myself as a person and as a woman, to be able to look at myself in the mirror every day and truly feel that I am alive.

Depression has been a struggle for me since my teen years. But not everyone has depression. Before medication, I had no idea what it was like to not have to try to be content with life. I wonder sometimes if it’s really that easy for some people—can they just wake up most days feeling great without having to pop some pills? If this person exists, I’d like to be them one day. It’d be a lot of work, but it’d be worth it to not have a dependency on a little blue pill. Maybe I’ll never be able to leave the world of medication. If it comes down to it, then that is okay. It’s okay. Because life is only so long. I heard a question asked once: if you were to sell a minute of your life, how much would it be worth? An hour of your life? A day? A beautiful moment can last a minute. An incredible album could be listened to in an hour. A life changing experience could occur in a minute, an hour or a day. How much is this time worth to you? I’d like to think my time is worth a lot. But when it comes down to it.. I waste a lot of minutes. Those minutes add up to hours and days. When I think about how long it took me to get help and come out of my depression, I wish I could have been fixed much sooner. There are so many things I missed out on in high school because I was such a social recluse. Those times made me who I am today though. I can appreciate such simple things now. Random eye contact with a stranger or an acquaintance is no longer an event that spins my brain into chaos (I hope they notice how sad I look, Stupid people, I hate everyone and everything!, They don’t know how I feel and they never will, I wish they didn’t see me, I wish I could disappear). Now, random eye contact with a stranger or an acquaintance is a beautiful opportunity to smile and hopefully make that person smile too. It’s a happy moment I can give to someone that might make them feel good for a fleeting moment, a few minutes, or even the rest of their day. Maybe that person will keep smiling after we pass each other and they pass it on. I’d like to think that happens. It’s kind of like a mini-version of the movie “Pay It Forward”. (I don't know who reads this or if anyone ever will besides myself, but ! if there is someone out there in cyber-space that comes across my blog, please add Pay It Forward to your list of movies to see if you have not already!) In any case, Pay If Forward. It’s such a beautiful concept. It’s things like that that give me hope for people in the world.

I’d really like to think that everyone has a good heart down there somewhere. Whenever I express this opinion, I usually find myself being disappointed by my friends or acquaintances when they try to tell me that this can’t be true. “Katy, what about Hitler? What about all the people who rape and murder innocent people? There are people who find pleasure in torturing others. There are people who do sick things. We war against people or nations—we shoot people to solve problems.” There is no way all people are inherently good. But why not have the optimism? If you expect nothing but beauty and kind things from a person, yes, you might be disappointed. But why not hope for the best? The view I’ve received from my sister: You can’t assume that everyone has good intentions. People lie, manipulate. They cheat and steal. People use their charm to get what they want. They bribe. They use other people for their own benefit, pleasure, or image. If you aren’t careful, they walk all over you! Yes, I have experienced many of these things. Unfortunately. But that’s life. Right? Or should we hope that one day the ripple affect makes it around the world and all who live on the earth are happy? Impossible? How about half the world? Is that too much? I wonder how many people in this world can truly and honestly say that they are happy. People have flaws—nobody is perfect. We all have bad days, even when we’ve got a little blue pill that balances our chemicals. But how sad is it, that I can’t seem to believe half the world is happy. Maybe there are, but man, I really don’t know. How beautiful would this world be if all walks of life had passion and hope for their neighbors? Had daily doses of love and joy? Abundant smiles and laughter! Endless kind words and encouragement! Appreciation! LIFE! What if?!!! What if? What …if.

Maybe it’s just that I wish--I wish with all that I have!, I wish with every ounce of hope I can muster!, that all people were inherently good.

Does it make me vulnerable that I, more often than not, find myself assuming everyone is good? Yes.